My Affair with FitFinder

“I met my first girlfriend through FitFinder.
Only thing is – I was FitFinder.
Many people knew this already. I’ve admitted it before.
Oh, the power.
I had 5500 followers and enough information about enough people to fill a pool with drama and do the butterfly up and down, revelling in the anguish, hate, spite and jealousy that sloshed up to my neck.
It was beautiful, magnificent chaos.”

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Typically Atypical

“Ever seen that e-card?
“That one friend who only hangs out with guys because she says it’s less drama.”
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, HOMBRE.
The streets are flooded with drama. Drama coats the walls, the ceiling and occasionally breaks through a window and dances, butt naked, in your face. Drama has little devil drama babies with sharp teeth and spiked tails, who run around the room singing songs about having 99 problems but a bitch not being one.”

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Silence

“Silence.
I stood once more by her bedside, but I found myself with no thoughts.
I’d been vulnerable. I’d long given up on being strong.
I held Tootie’s hand openly. Looking searchingly at her face, I became too aware of my thought’s absence.
I’d prayed to gods I desperately hoped exist, and a week later, there is still no change.”

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Just be okay.

“I was awoken by Brother.
“Get up. We’re going home. Tootie and Leah were in an accident.”
I shot up, then froze.
“Really?”
Despite how ridiculous it would be for someone to make such a sick joke, we always have a glimmer of hope that that someone is tactless, with a dark, inappropriate sense of humour.
It was no joke.”

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Rule #1 of Atheist Club

“I’m not gonna lie to you, I’m gonna lie.
I was the perfect child growing up.
Honesty is a virtue.
In my many phases, I attracted a fair amount of negative attention.
Actually, it was more like a year-long, annual monsoon.
First, I was an outspoken atheist.
Like most atheists at begin, I was arrogant, narcissistic and pompous.
YOU ARE ALL STUPID FOR BELIEVING IN GOD AND I AM SUPERIOR AND ENLIGHTENED”

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Lesbians, Butt Thorns and Fat Bastard

” I don’t plan what I wear. I throw stuff on and decide whether to change or not by trying to label myself as others would when they see me.
Everybody does it. Oh, there goes the punk. He’s followed by the geek. The goth is close behind, and there comes the overly-dressed drama queen. The last guy fell behind because it’s noticeably harder to walk when you have that much swag.
I stood before the mirror, having changed out of ‘the emo kid’ outfit, and tried to stereotype myself. I frowned for a second, and then it came to me.
LESBIAN!
I was good to go.”

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Rolling in the Dough, Roach Genocide, and Peeing Standing

“I’m a student. I get 100 bucks a week, and when I draw it out, the ATM gives it to me in 20s – as if to keep me grounded.
“Man, you broke. Let me help you ration.”
I hate FNB. If they aren’t reminding me of how broke I am, they’re taking away my money. Every time I draw out I can buy one less cup of awful campus coffee.
The only time I ever rolled in the dough was when I tried to make roti off an internet recipe.”

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Chili Powder and Controversy

“I nod curtly at the security guard that resembles Terrence Howard, and make my way to Science. I must have walked just a few feet before I heard that fateful call.
“Aweh, Stekkie!”
Who is this tall man? What language is this?
I look up. Oh, what a sight.
The way his large fake diamond earring contrasted with his skin on only one ear. The way his white shoes shone brighter than that expensive golden smile.”

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I Promised I Wouldn’t Blog About Murder. Maybe.

““Ma’am, when I’m older, I would like to be a model.”
Yes, I spoke like that. Mother had a beautiful grasp of the English language and would be damned if her only daughter said “wanna”. The teacher laughed at me. The class laughed at me.
What? MOTHER SAID I’M BEAUTIFUL, DAMN IT.
Every day is a new betrayal. A child is beautiful to their parents, even if they have six toes on their right hand.
Anyway, I may take more selfies than a highschool girl and photomanipulate them to perfection, but as you may have guessed, I did not end up being a model.”

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